My Personal History Published in Tehelka ( issue dated 16th Aug 2008)

My Personal History- Published in Tehelka(Issue dated 16th Aug 2008)
‘Talent and creativity were ruthlessly buried. Only rote learners survived’


I AM OVERTAKEN by repugnance whenever I think of my school days. The reason is quite simple. I was crippled mentally during high school. As I pen this essay, a couple of questions pop up. What is the purpose of education? Why are children always treated as students?

I was raised in a joint family, which included a grandfather and a paternal uncle. My mom, a homemaker, was a lady of high calibre and she nurtured the passions of her loved ones. Like any other mother, she too had dreams for her children, wanting them to be confident and fearless under any circumstance.

I was inclined to music, so my parents sent me to music classes when I was 10 years old. I was an average student, although I had a penchant for current affairs, quizzing and debates. My parents were content with my scores, which ranged between 65 and 70 percent. Little did they know that one day, their daughter would be demoted and devastated.

My turmoil began when I was in class seven. The school headmistress, who had exceptional teaching skills, heard of a fight that had broken out between me and another friend. She sought an explanation from our parents. After this, occasional taunts aimed at me became a regular feature of her classes. This made me an object of ridicule among my classmates. Day after day, my anxiety and fear grew, but I couldn’t reveal my feeling to others including my mom.


Illustration:Uzma Mohsin
In class nine, my anxiety grew further, because of Math and the Math teacher. She used to place the weaker students in one corner of the classroom so she could focus more attention on them. This created a negative impact on me. I started feeling targeted and cornered and felt that my independent thinking was suppressed. My inability to draw perfect maps or figures was used as a pointer while making scathing comments and this added fuel to the fire.

An extended hell! That is how I describe class nine. Did they ever make a single effort to point out my strengths? They denied me an opportunity to grow! At the end of the year, I was demoted. Later, I realised that 36 other students also suffered the same fate. The reason the school authorities gave was “filtration” before promotion to class 10. A few students joined other schools while others registered for a re-evaluation of their papers. I lacked the mental courage to fight. I repeated class nine, completed the 10th with 72 percent marks and thus my journey through the tunnel came to an end.

Today I ask — who were the losers when the library hours and physical training sessions were hijacked for extra classes and revisions? In the race for achieving high results, talent and creativity were ruthlessly buried. Only rote learners survived.

For my pre-degree years, I opted for commerce at the Government Victoria College in Palakkad. With just 72 percent, getting admission was difficult but I managed to snag the last available seat. This marked a rebirth for me. In college, I found that independent views were encouraged, I could actually explore life while learning. Each day, I found a new me within myself. The support I got from the teachers helped build my self esteem. In the second year, I joined the college cricket team and represented my college in matches. Resuming music lessons under the guidance of a renowned musician added to my happiness. In the first year, I had actually topped my class and was soon among the top five at the university. A student demoted in class nine occupying a place at the top! My teachers felt a little disappointed as I missed the overall top rank by a whisker. But for me, the results were a morale booster. It was a turning point for me.

I went on to do my masters, and was elected to the college union. Canvassing, meetings and elections were fantastic experiences. A timid, neglected school student elected to the college union!

Soon I was on stage, addressing the college, attending cabinet meetings, interacting with students and the principal, leading the college in inter-collegiate festivals, forming an association exclusively for girls to encourage them and ensure their participation in campus activities. The scared introvert in me had gone forever.

Failing a class in those days was — and is, even now — humiliating, primarily because teachers and the larger society make a child feel that way. It is seen as a scandal, a blot from which one can never recover. I left school with a heart filled with fear, depression and diffidence. My college faculty changed all that. To them, I was just one among the thousands of students they teach. They are my idols, because they changed my destiny forever.

( Friday, October 17, 2008)